My heart begins to race. I can feel it. That can't be good, when you can feel your own heart racing as if it might fly out of your chest, right? That's a description they use in books to help you understand how bad a situation is, yes?
My eyes see the problem and my brain takes it and runs with it.
Work. So much to do. So little time. Report cards. Lesson plans. After school events. Test, re-test, small groups. Programs. Meetings. Meetings. Staff Development. Desk is a mess. Boards look bad. Haven't changed anything on the walls. What do I focus on? Going home early for a change. It'll be there tomorrow, screw it.
Home. Family. Husband. Child. Dad. Mother-in-law. Mom. So much to do, so little time. Where to go? What's first? What do I do?
Fun. Rest. Relaxation. What are these things? Vacation? *scoff*
Dentist. Drilling. Drilling. Noise, sharp. Turn the music up. Choking on tongue, but not. Tongue's touching my teeth. Brain insists my tongue is touching my teeth. Brain insists my tongue is choking me. Breathe. I'm breathing. Tongue is still choking me. This is not possible. Can' break through with the logic. Stuck. Tears. Heart beats faster and faster. Chest heaves. I'm choking. Gagging on the mold in my mouth. No, I'm not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. They wouldn't keep working on me if I was choking. What if they can't tell? They can tell. No they can't. Yes, they can. No, they can't.
Panic. PANIC. It's sudden, unrelenting. Logic-defying. No control. No sense.
It's a strange sensation, thinking logically and knowing something - I mean KNOWING - and still be unable to see your way out of it.
Panic. Anxiety. It is standing in a room of garage, holding a trash bag, and not knowing where to begin.
Panic. It is standing in a clean room, organized, and not knowing how to pull things down to get at the desired object.
Panic. It is your heart racing without you exerting yourself.
Panic. It's being unable to stand for no reason and suddenly being terrified of being stuck.
Panic. It is frustration. Rage. Mountain vs Mole-hill and the mountain is winning.
Panic. Unable to breathe despite having the ability to.
Relief: Suddenly feeling like the vise on your chest is gone. LIke your brain can put order to the chaos swirling about.
Panic: Standing in the center of a hurricane where all is calm, watching the swirling mass around you and knowing you are trapped and unable to change this.
Relief: You remain standing and all is quiet. There is no hurricane. Never was.
Panic: A dragon that breathes its deadly fire upon you and consumes you.
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